Corporate Ebonics

While the bill collector barks into the phone a young woman ties a brightly colored balloon to his cubical. She whispers good job. This scene plays across corporate America all day. People are now being paid to keep dept collectors ” in a good state of mind ” as they destroy lives. Picture the image of a boy dress up in his dad’s cheap suit sitting in a cubical calling adults while a pimple faced teenage girl ties a balloon to his drab cubical. On the other end of the phone are unsuspecting victims who were roped into the American dream. The cheerleaders skip from cubical to cubical. The cheerleaders job is to check attitudes and report the attitudes to mid level management. If one of the bill collectors shows any signs of weakness or compassion to the victims, the cheerleader will smile nod and report the infraction to management. The role of the corporate cheerleader is to keep spirits high. As the bill collector screams I am going to start the foreclosure process the cheerleaders giggle. In this sick world kicking families out on the street is something to brag about.

See post below if your wondering how a formula film gets nominated for best picture.
Click here to read an article that pulls the sheet off Hollywood’s self serving perception of African Americans.

The easiest way to get the green light in Hollywood is to pitch a movie based on white people saving black people from other “black people.” Another great way to get the green light is to pitch a movie based on good white people saving black people from bad white people. Mississippi burning gave us white folks the blue print for getting the green light in Hollywood. The pitch is easy. Bad white people or bad black people are oppressing these good black people. The second part of the pitch is white liberals who are all good of course, save the day. Only movies using the Holocaust formula get more green lights.
So if you are a struggling screen writer just pitch a movie based on white people saving black people.

The term verticals is being used by C.E.O types a lot lately so it would be wise to use this term as often as possible. Keep in mind speaking corporate Ebonics makes C level executives feel like you are one of them.
For those of us that speak English a Vertical is: Being or situated at right angles to the horizon; upright.
This is not the case in the work place. In the work place the definition of vertical or verticals is “Relating to or involving all stages from production to sale” I know this does not make any sense. Just go with the flow and get promoted.
In your next interview say ” I raise against the latest verticals so I can capitalize on emerging markets”.
The above sentence is complete gibberish, it’s also exactly what your boss wants to hear.

Here are some examples of Ebonics for white people.

Proactive (Idiots love this word)
Definition: • descriptive of any event or stimulus or process that has an effect on events or stimuli or processes that occur subsequently; “proactive • (of a policy or person or action) controlling a situation by causing something to happen rather than waiting to respond to it after it happens.
Example: We have to be proactive in stealing from our customers other wise our trophy wives will dump us.

Challenge. (This is a word that executives love to over use.)
Definition: A demanding or stimulating situation.
Example: Keeping your white daughter from going out with a black men can be a challenge.
Note: In white Ebonics nothing is fucked up or messed up every thing is a challenge.

Ebonics for white people is all about speaking like a lobotomy patient that just got out of a Tony Robbins seminar.
Master this skill and watch your career sky rocket.

When you fuck up in corporate America the last thing you should do is take responsibility for your actions. Do what management does send out a c.y.a e-mail. This is an excellent method to avoid being canned and it places you in a position of superiority. In this day and age it’s a good idea to feel smart. People who are smart and just don’t try to act smart get in a lot of trouble. This is why Ivy league schools make it a point to only allow a small number of Jews, Arabs or Asians into their schools. Now days M.I.T is afraid of the Russians as well. So back to my life changing advice. When you screw up on the job send an e-mail to a fellow employee that is lower in the food chain than you are. Make sure to CC your boss. In the e-mail start off with the following statement ” remember the memo sent by upper management” after this statement fill in the blanks on how your inferior employee made the mistake that was stated in the memo. Even if you made the mistake and the other person did not make the mistake; blame your fellow employee. This will stroke management’s ego and save your ass at the same time . Who cares is your fellow employee gets fired it’s either you or them right ?

Today’s country music is geared to appeal to middle aged white women. Today’s country music is clearly music with no balls. This music is like a well needed estrogen shot to your aging H.R manager. My people hate to be reminded of their past. This is why Nashville turned its back on acts like Johnny Cash and David Alan Coe. In cubical world scary white people need not apply. So today’s career tip is this. If you’re hiring manager is a middle age white woman. Make her think you actually listen to this music with the soul of a Pepsi commercial and the job is yours.

A genius figured out white folks love ethnic stuff and we are willing to spend money on it. With all the white people sporting corn rolls and dread locks, why not start a store around this lucrative market? Who wants to go to Mexico and deal with scary little brown people when the mall is down the street? Do you want a Freda shirt to show how artistic your are ? Just go to the mall. Do you want to support the Zapatistas? How about an L.Z.N shirt? All the trust fund kids who major in art will think your all the rage. Just go to the anthropology store at the local mall. Now you can make a statement and help the economy. How about a Che shirt ? Lets face it a Che shirt is mandatory attire at the local coffee shop. Check out Anthropology Store and keep it white.

A Store just for white folks !

Here at corporate Ebonics we have not lost our focus on educating people on how to speak and write corporate Ebonics. Remember your boss believes white is right so go go with the flow. Today we want to focus on hypothetical questions that you will be subjected to at your next job interview.
Question:Do you have any questions for us ?
Answer: What proactive measures are you taking to make sure you retain market share.
Reason: Management loves the word proactive. The word proactive is used a lot by people like Steven R Covey and Tony Robbins people who make their living selling B.S to the same mid level managers that will be interviewing you.
Question: Where do you see your self in five years ?
Answer: Hopefully in a management position like yourself.
Reason: Mid level management people need to be stroked. You are being interviewed by the guy that was not cool enough to get laid in high school and not smart enough to get into medical or law school so one complement will help you get the job. Remember getting a head in corporate America is not about being smart it is all about connections that is why America is going down the toilet.
Question: What do you like about our company ?
Always say, I like the company’s position in the market. Remember the key to getting a head in corporate America is sounding like you know what you are talking about.
Hope this helps. Just remember at your next interview throw in words like proactive, matrix, and certain. Don’t worry about these words not meaning anything. Mid level and high level executives love to talk in code and when you use words that don’t mean anything but make people feel good, you have won half the battle.

You got to be kidding me.

I am supposed to drive carefully around a soccer mom due to her not using birth control. Lets face it people who put these bumper stickers on their cars reek of self importance. Do you really thing that their little precious cargo is going to amount to a piss in the ocean. Answer; hell no. And what about people that have better things to do at 2:00 in the afternoon than to drive around in a mini van on some poor saps dime? What about gay people? Gay people are not allowed to get married in most states. And most gay people do not have children. So with this in mind gay people should put bumper stickers on their car stating that their real prize. How about bumper stickers that read Fagot on Board drive carefully. And if you want to say it in a corporate H.R, P.C manor the sticker can read” Homosexual on board drive with caution”